Chasing

I do love you but in this process I am losing myself. I have been down here before many times. You just got a little bit further than the others. You just got a lot closer than the others. I didn’t have my life so intertwined with somebody as much as I do with you.

Yes, we got a lot of things in our name together and if it was up to me you can keep and I’ll give you a direct deposit every month so that I don’t get you coming after me either. I already have enough people running after me from my past. I am exhausted.

I am going to hide behind my feelings of security. I do feel safer and more stable than before. I was at this low point before and it was many many years ago. I hate that this is literally the only reason I am staying.

I’m not happy. I decided not to do any thing with you. Yes we can have sex but I have to be high for that and I don’t care if it’s not as frequent, maybe if I stay busier I’ll forget that we even have sex.

I am still getting punished by you in multiple ways. Your tone is not the love it was before, but I’m starting to realize you were only being this way to obtain the prize of me. You won and now this is how you act. Just like every other person. You ain’t no different from the other people at least with them they were okay with who I am and let me go easier. With you I am caged. You have intertwined yourself into my world that they don’t see me anymore. I definitely learned that maybe I should be alone because any outside exposure is bad for them, like an alien invasion.

When I speak I have to explain every letter, word, sentence, the background, the present, and context. I have to tell you how I feel in such an elaborate way that when you don’t get to speak. You won’t speak. You do speak and it’s just words of anger. “It’s your fault. I’m doing everything. You aren’t supporting me. It’s not your place to tell me if I should do something or not.” 

AGAIN! I am in a relationship where my whole self isn’t welcomed and I have to silence many parts of myself. I think back and realized that I was tricked. When we first met, when our lives were separated. You laughed more. You listened more. You loved me harder. I opened up myself to you more than I ever could because I felt safe to do so. 

You chase me with my past and use it to attack me. I’ve been through this before and I am recognizing the same shit the other people did and you are just the same. Now I have to hide myself from you. My past you use against isn’t as strong anymore because my present with you is not the same. You rub the dirt of my past in my face to a point where any letter that sounds or looks like you are about to do it again.

I attack. The anger I thought was gone is lost and now I realize it isn’t anger it’s protection. I am protecting my energy I would have loved to put into our relationship and keeping it to myself like I should’ve. I’m done with this. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically done with you but on the paper I’m not done yet. I see maybe 2 years maximum. If it’s gonna be the same and we will slowly go our separate way and slowly separating everything. I think being a roommate is better but you can’t handle anybody looking at me so never mind. Two worlds we will make. We can never be one again. I’m DONE!

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